Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
