1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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