i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
