I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
