would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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