every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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