her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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