Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I lost the right to judge tonight
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
