had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
