My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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