I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
