It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
