The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
