In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
