Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
