Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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