my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
