I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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