That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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