he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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