I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
