I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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