Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this beer tastes like vomit already
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
