I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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