College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
