I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Soap is not a condiment
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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