I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
God, I missed his penis.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
