my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
They have beer where we have blood.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
