I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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