Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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