First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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