I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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