Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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