If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
