I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it penis luge time yet?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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