There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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