I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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