Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
