We're like a lot better than the average bears
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Randomize
