Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
