Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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