Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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