A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
