First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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