What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
