the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
