I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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