I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
