i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
