my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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