someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
