I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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