Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
