We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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